WHY DOES OUR FEEDBACK NOT REACH THE RECIPIENT?

Czas czytania: 8min.

We are swimming in an ocean of feedback...

Feedback reaches us from all sides. The supervisor comments on the progress of our project, the teacher informs that this month our child has improved behavior, a colleague invites us to an informal team integration, a 360-degree evaluation is conducted in the company, the mother-in-law adds another slice of apple pie and asks for the recipe, a friend discreetly removes the sweater we gave her after fifteen minutes and secretly hides it in her bag…

Some of this information we perceive as pleasant, validating, and useful, some are neutral, and others provoke our resistance. And since they provoke resistance, we ignore them or deny their content. Feedback bounces off the wall.

In this article, we will focus on one of the mechanisms described in the book by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen “Thanks for the Feedback”, which makes us unable to accept and use feedback. This will help us better understand why sometimes our own feedback does not reach the recipient.

Feedback – all the information we receive from the environment about ourselves. They can be verbal and non-verbal, given consciously or not, psychologically correct (e.g., formulated as an “I-message”) or completely colloquial.

3 types of feedback

The numerous feedback we receive (regardless of its content, context, whether it is positive or negative) is collectively called “feedback,” but it can be divided into 3 categories:

Recognition (thanks, appreciation). Children on the playground often shout “-Mom, Dad, look!” or run up with a drawing “Look, how nice!”. As adults, we don’t openly seek recognition in such an overt manner, which doesn’t mean we care any less about being appreciated! 🙂
Coaching (providing a better way to do something). When a more experienced colleague explains to you how to automate filling out reports, it is a form of coaching. It also includes, for example, tips given by a ski instructor (“You’re crossing your skis – you’ll fall!”)
Evaluation (of what your situation looks like). If your boss tells you that they are pleased with your results and are considering your promotion, it is an evaluation (in this case – positive). The evaluation ranks you: it compares your situation to others or your current performance to previous ones (Has there been an improvement? A decline? How do you compare to the group?)

Conflict of needs. Do I want development or acceptance?

Trouble starts when we go to the boss for tips on improving our work, and he pats us on the shoulder saying: ‘You’re doing great, keep it up!’ There is a risk that we will lack data for further work, and additionally, we will feel left on our own. More nervous individuals may start to worry that if the boss is not investing time and attention in my development, maybe he is thinking about letting me go..?
The employee expected coaching but received appreciation. Does he feel satisfaction and contentment? Not necessarily. Despite the manager’s best intentions to praise him, the feedback did not reach him.

Let’s consider another possibility. Joseph is an ambitious employee and is thinking about a promotion. He gives 200% and is very effective in his actions, but every time he talks to the manager, he hears a handful of quite useful tips on how he can further improve his performance. However, what Joseph needs to know (and is afraid to ask directly) is a comparison of his results to others in the team and information on whether he is getting closer to the desired position change. Józef needs evaluation but receives coaching. Deep down, he starts to rebel against the guidance and instructions he receives. What if all the effort leads to nothing? Józef is slowly starting to lose motivation. Even though the manager’s goal was to increase it.

Stefan’s situation is starkly different from Józef’s. Stefan recently moved to Poland from sunny Italy and is facing more difficulties than he anticipated in adjusting to working in a foreign language in an unfriendly, northern climate. However, he is determined and is doing increasingly better (even though he had to bring his own camping stove and coffee maker to the office – the beverage from the local machine didn’t qualify as consumable…). During the monthly meeting with the boss, Stefan hears that his results are below the average in the team. He leaves the meeting feeling dejected.
Stefan needed recognition (appreciation), but he received an evaluation. The purpose of performance reviews was to provide greater clarity and motivate employees to maintain the quality of their work, but now Stefan silently drinks espresso while browsing LinkedIn…

The concept of ‘feedback’ is very broad, which is why we might have the illusion that, for example, Joseph wanted feedback and he received it. However, randomly choosing between expressing recognition, coaching, and evaluation carries risks.

Not all feedback is created equal. Randomly choosing between recognition, coaching, and evaluation carries risks.

Where does the blockage come from? How to overcome it?

Giving and receiving feedback touches on two important needs: obtaining information necessary for further development and feeling accepted. In some situations, development will take precedence (and in its name, we will even endure tactless pointing out of mistakes), while in others, the dominant need will be to receive support.

So what should we do if we often feel that our feedback is hitting a wall of misunderstanding?

Identify your needs and those of the recipient. As long as the interlocutor is focused on an unmet need that is important to them, they will concentrate on it rather than on what we are saying. As a result, we risk that our feedback will be ‘wasted.’
What kind of feedback do you intend to give (recognition? coaching? evaluation?), and what does the recipient expect? By consciously choosing the type of feedback, we will build motivation for collaboration on both sides of the dialogue.
Ask about expectations. (What do you need from me? Would you like to receive more/less guidance? How clear is it to you by what criteria we evaluate the results?)

Book “Thanks for the Feedback”. Enjoy your reading!

A mismatched type of feedback is, of course, just one of the possible reasons for its ineffectiveness. You can read about other reasons in the excellent book by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen “Thanks for the Feedback. The science and art of receiving feedback, even when it is unwarranted, unfair, poorly delivered, and when you are not in the mood”.

book “Thanks for the Feedback”

Finally, I have an invitation for you!

On October 16th at 10:00 AM, we are organizing a webinar “Personality Traits and Conflict at Work – What to Do When You Don’t Know How to Get Along with a Specific Person?”, if you want to find answers to the questions:

Conflict Psychology Among People – What Every Manager Should Know?
How to Take Care of People with Different Communication Styles in the Team? How Can I Ensure Quality Communication to Prevent Conflicts?
What Are the Three Most Important Techniques for a Mediator in a Conflict Situation?

See you!

Article and illustration author: Zosia Augustyniak #